LOVE SOMETIMES COMES WITH LOST VIRGINITY

I am married to this wonderful woman who has had a couple of relationships in the past, lost her virginity at the age of 17, also aborted her first child at the age of 22 while being in a relationship with a different person. Anonymous due to obvious reasons. If you read it till the end, it might clear up your mind. Sorry for writing such a long one, while pouring my heart out, got carried away.

I was 28 once upon a time. Not to brag, but I was a top of the class student, went to best grad and post grad schools in the country, am moderately handsome, earn a decent amount of money, have a very lovely family too. I was always busy with studies and career was so damn important, so like you might have guessed it, I had been single all my life.

Parents asked if I would like to get married and I shyly accepted. The hunt for a suitable prospect began. My mother asked what kind of a girl would I like to get married to, and I had no clue. I wanted someone to be fairly educated, highly intelligent, funny, probably an extrovert because I wasn’t one, full of life, a tad bit pretty too. I also wanted her to be a virgin, because I was one. Somewhere at the back of my head, I had this idea that I really deserved such a girl, because I have been good all my life, never did anything that I wasn’t supposed to do. And the thought of someone else getting intimate with my would be wife, made me uncomfortable. But I wasn’t naive. I looked around and it was pretty evident that a girl like that and still single would be like wishing for Santa Claus and unicorns to be real. So I settled for the next best thing, I never wanted to find out if the girl I would be marrying was in a relationship or not, I wanted her to take it to her grave. Yeah! very regressive of me after boasting about my education and family, I know, but that was me.

My mom called me up and asked me to be at this cafe where a girl she really liked would be coming to meet me. She did not send me any pictures, just let me know a name. I have had no problems giving presentations to an audience, or meet a colleague, but courting girls was not my forte and I was really nervous.

So there she was at the cafe, guessing and asking a couple of people if their name was such and such. I waived to her and she walked towards me with a smile on her face and carefully tucking that strand of her hair that adamantly refused to stop kissing her cheeks. We exchanged hello’s and I had no clue what to say after that or ask.

She sensed the awkwardness and told me to think of her as a friend / colleague and not some girl who I have to say yes or no to. That simplified the situation and we re- introduced ourselves and started talking on random things. We left the cafe and explored various parts of the city we liked. The day seemed to fade into darkness really fast and it was time for her to go.

I dropped her at her place and before she bid goodbye’s she asked me if I have ever been in a relationship. I said, no and for a moment I could see her expressions change into disappointment. Then she asked me if I wanted to ask her anything and I said, no I am good. Our conversation for the day ended there.

It was nice meeting her and I really enjoyed her company. In the few hours that we talked, we discussed almost everything under the sun and she seemed like a really smart girl and I hoped that she had the same impression about me too. But that look on her face ruined it for me, and I was thinking if she thought of me as a loser for not being in a relationship or did she think I was lying to her. I went home overthinking.

Before going to bed, I got a message from her saying that she had a good time and if I thought so too, them maybe we could meet again. I thought that maybe she wasn’t disappointed after all and it was all in my head. I texted the same. Next date, time and place was fixed and I was really looking forward to it this time.

We met early that morning, and had breakfast, lunch and dinner together. In between we went to a lot of places and talked about life and responsibilities, dreams and aspirations and expectations. We connected so well.

Towards the end of the day, she broke it to me that she has had two relationships in the past. One when she was 17 and the other when she was 21. She lost her virginity the first time, and the second time she also got pregnant and had to abort. She has been single for the past three years. And then we both became silent for a while, I had no idea what to say to her. A while later, she told me if I wanted to go, I could leave and she would take a cab back home.

I couldn’t just leave her alone, what if she was a friend of mine or a colleague. So I said that I wanted to stay and I would like to hear the whole story if she would be okay with it.

The first one was childhood romance, even I have had crushes at that age and if I had the courage to ask her out and not made excuses that I had to study, we probably would have kissed and have had sex too. Love at that age really is naive; not much thinking goes into it except that we like each other. So the same happened with her and her boyfriend got possessive, controlling, misbehaved and broke up with her for some other girl.

The next time she was in college, very cautious but this guy made every attempts to woo her and finally she accepted. A year into dating they made love and she got pregnant a few months later. He denied anything to do with the child, accused her that if she is doing it with him, she might also be doing it with someone else and broke off with her. She couldn’t decide whether or not to keep the child, and finally she decided that it was best for the unborn to never see light and also for her.

So that was it, no more dating for her. Even after all this she never said anything bad about those two. She said that she loved them with all her heart while she was with them and she still means well for the both of them.

I listened patiently with a heavy heart, but deep inside I was a bit angry, even cursing her for being so naive and stupid to have dated those two sad fucks. How could you be with someone for that long and be so blinded by love that you don’t see who they really are. But I did not say a word.

I drove her back home in utter silence. When I got home, later at night I got a message that said, “I am really sorry for spoiling the day, but I felt like I should tell you.”

Just for the sake of being courteous I replied that it was okay, you need not be sorry. Now get some sleep.

But I had made up my mind that I wasn’t going to get married to her. I have no obligation to pick up someone else’s broken pieces. Next day I was going to tell my mother that I did not like the girl and she should find me someone else.

When I got to my mothers room I was thinking of what to say to her. Everything I said, she counter argued.

Did not like her - But I did, your sister likes her too. Did you even talk to her?

She isn’t pretty enough - What did you just say, she’s prettier than your sister. Sister agreed.

She isn’t humorous - But she is funny! She got us laughing.

She isn’t smart - She’s got more marks than you!

God dammit….. I can’t possibly tell them what I actually wanted to say. I don’t want to lose my self respect in their eyes, I am so hypocritical.

I was asked to reconsider because my family was in awe of this girl, I liked her too, but that thing really bothered me.

I thought about it for a few days and decided to hang out with her to find something acceptable for my mother to call it off. So a week later, I asked her out.

When she came, she was as full of life as she was on the first day I saw her, and the more time I spent with her, the more I liked her.

I realized how strong she was to have gone through all of that and still be as lively and here I was someone who can’t even take a simple fact about her life and loosing my sleep over it. I am way more fragile and insecure than she ever will be.

I was totally faking it being nice with her, all this while holding a secret grudge against her for making me realize that I am so weak and pathetic. I am not the bad guy, she is.

And then we would regularly meet. Three months later, one of those meetings, the weather was cloudy and it started to rain while we were in a park. There was no shelter around, so we got drenched and were walking towards our car slowly. Suddenly I got this urge to kiss her, I stopped walking, turned around and started staring at her lips. But I had never kissed a girl before, she had and I did not want to screw it up the first time. She sensed it, put her arms around my neck and gently locked lips with me. She broke that kiss, looked into my eyes for a while and wobbled around for a bit and fell onto the wet grass, closed her eyes and had a smile on her face. I sat on the ground beside her relishing my first kiss ever. After about five minutes, she opened her eyes and said, “So that’s what it feels like, true love’s first kiss.” That girl sure knew how to make me feel better. We ran to the car and made out like the world is going to end the very next minute. I dropped her home soon enough.

When I went home, I looked into the mirror, all these years I thought of myself as one of the good guys and when the opportunity presented itself, did I not lie and manipulate this girl. She trusts me and has faith in me, but do I deserve any of it. What if I would have slept with her today, and denied anything to do with her the next day.

Whose fault would it be? What does it say about her? What does it say about me?

Who would be the monster now.

Whether or not a girl has had a boyfriend in the past, doesn’t really matter. If you judge someone without knowing the whole truth, without putting yourself in their shoes and thinking if you would have done it differently, then take a good look in the mirror and ask who the monster is. It’s not her/ him, it’s you.

It’s also more about your insecurities, rather than the truth. You are intimidated by someone’s past and underestimate your capabilities. Having a boyfriend is okay as long as she is ready to move on and start afresh. It wouldn’t be okay and probably ruin both of your lives if she is still in love with him and compares you to him every living second.

If she has had a boyfriend in the past, make sure you are someone she can fall in love with, more than the last time. If you don’t think you could be that guy, don’t get married to her.

Before you decide, you should try and get to know the other person and see if you are a perfect fit to each other or not.

We are married four years, trying to make a baby.


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Anonymous, Quora

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